Stop the planet, let me off plzzzz!
I got no vote. The day I popped out and landed on this planet, my role was predetermined. The supporting role of ‘peacemaker‘ meant I would always get the ‘short end of the stick’. It was what I believed deep down that I deserved. My job was to rescue strays whether they wanted it or not. As a needy, approval seeker I got no return on your investment.
Confused, alone with no options . . . I hit bottom. Little did I realize, to hit bottom is good. It’s the only time you become really curious to find better way. Bottoms are when you are willing to change. Learn quickly from bottoms and you won’t need them very long.
That hit bottom experience propelled me into my life mission . . . how to do relationships that work. I scanned my world in search of an example of a healthy relationship. Aunt Glennie and Uncle Lewis modeled love with no strings. . . respect and acceptance. That hope later transmuted into my ‘Lewis’. His name is Noble, my business and life partner. I hit the jackpot. It was a return on my investment efforts to find a better way that surpassed my dreams. He was like a rock, unmovable. It gave me a safe place to practice my new found skills.
There’s much more in between but I promised no hype, no fluff . . . just life change stuff. When you change you, life changes.
YOU WOULD BE MUSH . . . WITHOUT THEM
Short of leaving the planet, you seldom make it through a day without a few difficult people ‘stressing’ you. At any given moment, when you scan your life at home, work, the neighborhood, and strangers, there they are. The mere thought of them gives you a cotisoll rush. The person you don’t like, agree with, and have little respect for owns a piece of you. It is said that stress kills! Now that’s a price to pay for lack of skills and options.
Then there’s the karma thing. What I despise the most, conflictual relationships, I attract? If karma is true, what’s a person to do? Soooo confusing! It is not that there are difficult relationships that come your way. More importantly, it is what you choose to do with them. They have a specific purpose. If they still get a rise out of you, then you have more to learn. They are in your life to teach you what does not work. They force you to build inner muscles, gain new skills. You’d be mush without them. When you get the lesson you don’t need to repeat that grade.
Mary, in her 90’s braved her fears and came for her first BrainBodyBalance session. With a serious expression and tone she blurted out before we even met, “Someone told me you could fix this sh_ t. I’ve had panic attacks now for 70 years. I’ve tried it all and nothing has helped.” I took her up on her challenge. We did the same processes for her that work on any age and any symptom. We confused, uprooted and deleted the generational relationship fears. She remarked her new found freedom INSIDE redeemed the previous 70 years of being trapped by fear. Some never know that freedom. Her pain became her gain.
If relationships were easy and people had innate skills to navigate difficult ones, my practice would dry up. I’d be out of a job.
WHINE STRESS VIRUS SPREADS
Stress continues to escalate to new levels. It’s the number one health complaint and cause of disease. Of all stressors, difficult relationships come out on top. Few find the cure. Stress from difficult relationships spreads like a virus, infecting your brain and body first, then you pass it along to others. Everybody’s got it. Did I mention, stress kills?
The first symptom is the WHINE, rooted in the universal, distorted belief of deprivation: “Someone needs to make me feel happy, worthy, loved, supported _______?” Fill in the blank. When they don’t, won’t, can’t because they don’t have any . . . much less a surplus, you are left deprived and powerless with no choice.
The Whine mutates quickly into the classic ‘blame game’ when your expectations are not meet. You give the other person the power to make or break your life. You hold them responsible for your well being. When they fail, they are to blame. To give the other person just 1% of your power can still run your life amuck.
REV UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP IMMUNE SYSTEM
It takes a strong relationship immune system to avoid the WHINE virus. To rev up your immune system you must have two assets: 1 Motivated 2 Responsible. The cure requires you to be 100% responsibility and 100% motivated to learn from your failures and mistakes. Pass the grade and take back your power back one choice at a time.
Let’s get started with QUICK RELATIONSHIP FIX: Self Help Techniques.
QUICK RELATIONSHIP FIX: Self Help Techniques
STEP ONE: RESET YOUR MINDSET
” If you do what you did, you get what you got.” Elizabeth Harrison, Self Help Tech
The mind set to begin every BrainBodyBalance: Self Technique is always the same. Start where you are, shift into your own body, eyes, ears and skin.
Be: Present and Still Do: Say ‘Let Go’; See Question Mark ? Have: Curiousity with Wonder
STEP TWO: DISASSOCIATE – MIND MOVIE
Choose a relationship that turns your brain . . . and perhaps your body into a pretzel. Pick one that is impossible. (If you can’t think of one, I have a few to spare.) Your attempts have failed and you just can’t figure them out. They know your buttons and push them.
Racing thoughts and intense feelings alert you that you are enmeshed. You are pulling negative energy of the relationship through you. You lose your awareness and pay with your life.
Disassociate with mind movie technique to gather information and break free from enmeshment. Move the performers and movie of you and the other person to a pretend mind movie screen in front of you. Seeing the entire picture disassociated instantly increases your awareness and perception, minimizing racing thoughts and intense feelings. You can be more objective.
Simply keep the world where it belongs. . . on your mind movie screen. Do not take up valuable brain real estate space for memory files from the past. Remember, the past does not exist.
Lighten up and don’t forget the popcorn!
STEP THREE: GET TO KNOW YOUR BRAIN for a RELATIONSHIP CHANGE
FLEXIBLE BRAINS – HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
Healthy brains are flexible and move positions freely by choice for the purpose of gathering information. You are more aware so you can navigate relationships with greater ease.
1) SELF VIEW: You primarily stay grounded and in their own skin, seeing with your own eyes from your own view. You hear sense, taste, feel and know your own TRUTH. It’s the PRESENT.
2) OTHER VIEW: For the purpose of information and empathy, you choose to move briefly into the other person’s mind’s eye view.
3) DISASSOCIATED, MIND MOVIE VIEW: For a broader view, stay Present and see you, them or both on the mind movie screen for the purpose of gathering information. You can more easily see overall patterns of interactions. It helps you navigate the way, define the relationship roles, and make better choices.
RIGID STUCK BRAINS – DIFFICULT RELATIONSHIPS
1) CONTROLLERS, EGOTISTS – Self centered. They view life from their eyes and point of view primarily. They seldom consider others perspective or opinion except for their own gain. They play the leading role. It’s my way or the hi-way.
2) PEACEMAKER, CARETAKERS – Enmeshed. They view life through others eyes and point of view primarily. Strive to avoid conflict. Fear rejection. Need approval to validate their worth. They play the supporting role. They pay with their life and reap little return on their investment.
3) DISASSOCIATED, CHECKED OUT – Hopelessly difficult. Impossible to problem solve. Unwilling to co-operate or engage. Passive aggressive. Nobody’s home and the lights are out on the stage. You are in the dark and cannot see the performance. They hold the ultimate control. Try as you might, they force you into a free fall and never know where you will land.
You have discovered in Part 1 a few skills to PRACTICE:
1) Be aware. Be Present to view life primarily from your own eyes, providing you a better perspective so you can be more objective. You make better choices based on your own TRUTH.
2) Be flexible. Move to other’s view briefly by choice for the purpose of gathering information. Return to your own view promptly.
3) Disassociate to dispel enmeshment and gather information. Everyone has their own life movie. Give them their own movie and take yours back. Choose to review life on the mind movie screen. Observe roles others play and the patterns that affect your life more easily.
Watch for Part II of the Relationship Quick Fix: Self Help Technique in the next newsletter.
DISCOVER . . . How to easily get what’s in it for you. How to know their sorting style, the filters they view life through. How to live with no relationship regrets. How to find options you may have not considered. How to know when you have graduated with honors and do not have to repeat that grade again . . . and more!